


Don't Worry. I'll Save You.

by Redfire_Dragon



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Broken Mind, F/M, Fluff, Grief, Horror, Hurt, Miss Generic Human, Sparkmates, Why do I write the cruelest things for my favorite characters?, rated T for pain, what is WRONG with me?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 20:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redfire_Dragon/pseuds/Redfire_Dragon
Summary: There were dangers in falling in love with an organic much less taking one as a sparkmate. Organics lived pathetically short lives and the lost of a sparkmate was something you never got over even if it didn't offline you outright. He thought he could handle it, believing he would have decades with her, until the accident.





	1. Chapter 1

Ratchet's optics traced along the exposed wires and cables one last time before carefully reattaching the shoulder plating. All was in order, every detail perfect. He had known it was before his thorough inspection, but anxiety had driven him to check one last time. The thought of what could happen if even the slightest thing went wrong made his spark lurch in horror. But no, it was fine, everything was in order. His optics roved over the frame and he let out a soft hum of satisfaction. It was beautiful, the workmanship flawless. As much as possible he had kept the design true to that of her organic body and as a result it looked just like her. Just as it should.

He allowed himself a small smile as he went to check the computer next. All the code looked right, the data stable and uncorrupted. Upload 98% complete. He could feel something inside him relaxing as he watched the code scroll by. This part had been far harder than constructing a frame for his beloved. She was not cybertronian so all the codes to operate the frame had to be provided. Then those codes had to be paired with the subroutines that operated her human body. When a human reached out to grab something they did not manually trigger each muscle individually. Their consciousness guided the whole while the subconscious directed each twist, turn, extension or contraction, however small, to free up the conscious mind to deal with more important things.

It was amazing really, to see how truly similar human brains and cybertronian processors functioned. What had fascinated him most when the accident had spurred his interest in such things, was watching human babies learn to walk. They did not have their locomotive subroutines established and were incredibly clumsy as they struggled to manually control their chubby limbs. Their species never could have survived if humans remained at that level of motional functionality. But as the infant persisted they learned which muscles to trigger, how much, how long, what order. You could literally see the learned patterns shunted off to the subconscious, the child's eyes rising up from their steadying feet to focus on other things. Strides became automatic, and as they continued to practice small automatic adjustments were made to the walking subroutines until all clumsiness was gone. And as their bodies changed and grew they adjusted all their motional subroutines without conscious effort. Everything they learned to do was like that, riding on roller-skates, throwing a ball, driving a car. First was the clumsy manual control stage then it smoothed as more and more movement patterns were shifted to subconscious operation until it became "second nature" as the humans called it. It was adorable really, how different they thought they were from cybertronians, thinking his people were little more than glorified machines because of their circuitry and processors while their own organic brains ran protocols and subroutines just the same. Their way was just less efficient.

After this revelation he had spent countless days matching the motional subroutines of the human body extracted from her mind to the movement controls of the cybertronian frame. He was a doctor and understood every detail of the cybertronian body but he'd had to master an understanding of the human body too to match the details correctly. As always she was making him push himself to be a better mech. His spark swelled at the thought of her and her love that drove him to do better each day. He would do anything for her. He would save her. No matter what it took.

There was a change in the constant beeping of the pulse monitor and the soft, consistent breaths. She was waking up. Ratchet didn't bother a second glance at the code, he'd checked it for perfection dozens of times before he dared start the upload, it didn't need him. Quickly he strode over to where her hospital bed was placed on a low table to raise her to a height easy for him to work with. "Good morning sleepyhead." He intoned softly. She often woke with a headache these days and he didn't want to make it worse.

Her pales eyes opened slowly, blinked, then focused on him. A weak pained smile formed on her lips. "Hey motor man." There was a hint of the old teasing her her tired voice. This was one of the better days then.

His expression softened further, his engine letting out a contented hum. Carefully he reached out a single digit and ran it though her hair, pulling away slowly so that a small lock remained on top a moment before dropping back down with the rest. "How many times have I told you not to call me that?" He asked voice gentle as he carefully reached out again to gently tuck her hair behind a perfect ear. Cybertronians didn't have hair and at first he had found the long protein based strands that sprouted from all over humans like some kind of disgusting fungus. Now he realized he would miss it. There was an intimacy in touching those soft strands. With humans being so small and fragile there were severe restrictions to how he could physically express his affection without hurting her. But he had found ways, and this was one of them.

"I don't know Ratchet. Maybe if you try again it will work." She teased and her breathing caught, starting a small coughing fit. His spark squeezed inside him. So weak, so fragile. He busied himself with the bed's controls so the upper half angled up to prop her in a comfortable sitting position. The coughing subsided but Ratchet found himself staring down at his servos instead of her. He felt so helpless. "Ratchet, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I am fine." He made himself meet her eyes and forced a smile. "Just worried." He admitted, he couldn't fool her really, so why try? "How are you feeling?" He asked with genuine concern.

"Ratchet I told you, its just a cough, I'm fine." She gave him an intent look. "Really. I'm fine." She repeated. "You... you don't need to worry so much. I'm not about to die of a cough."

"I know I just" The accident. Blood everywhere. Her blood. The smell of pain and fear and car exhaust. Him too big, servos too clumsy. They'd had a fight, a silly thing, and she'd gone for her morning run alone. Now this. Lying in a pool of her own blood. If he had been there he'd have kept her safe. But he hadn't and now she lay there in her own blood too broken to even scream. Humans had come in their own emergency vehicle. Every circuit screamed not to let them touch her. But he was too big, his servos too clumsy to help. So he had let them take his love away from him and put her in their stupid unliving vehicle. He would have carried her himself but the equipment to stabilize her was in their ambulance and there was no time.

He followed them, his own siren wailing, watching over the vehicle that carried her like an earth bear over its cubs, ready to ram any vehicle that dared make a second attempt on her. His spark screamed and convulsed in terror and rage and guilt. She was still breathing as they rushed her into the building out of his sight. He had been left to wait out in the parking lot as they rushed her into the ER. He'd wanted to scream and rage and pace but if the doctors were distracted by a rampaging autobot... So he'd parked himself in vehicle mode as close to the room he believed she was in as he could get, snarling his engine at anyone who dared approach the bloodstained ambulance pressed up against the hospital wall atop the crushed shrubbery that had been in his way.

And he waited outside while strangers with sharp blades and masked faces cut and sliced and stitched. He waited not knowing if she was alive or had died on the operating table. He waited while her life was in danger because he did not have the skill or knowledge to help her. He was failing her again, just as he had failed her by not preventing the accident in the first place. He swore that if she lived, Primus let her live, he would never fail her again. No matter what it took.

"Ratchet. Ratchet come back to me buddy. Listen to my voice. Come back to me." Ratchet blinked, restarting his optics then focusing them on her. How long had she been calling him and he lost in the past, deaf to her voice?

"Sorry, I'm here." He reached out one digit to pat her shoulder softly then stroked it down her arm lightly. The touch was for his own benefit as much as hers, helping anchor him in the here and now.

Her eyes bore into his. "The accident?" Her voice was all pained compassion. For him. She was the one who'd been hurt, who'd almost... But all she worried about was him. He nodded mutely and she moved one small hand to grip his finger, squeezing it tightly. "Ratchet, you don't have to do this."

"Yes sweetspark, I do."

She swallowed and that caged animal look haunting her eyes. "Ratchet, I don't _want_ you to do this." She said a little desperately.

Ratchet shook his helm then tenderly caressed her face. "You are just scared. People are always scared of things that are new." He soothed.

She flinched a little at first but the straps that held her in place allowed little movement. He knew what was coming next. Always the same argument, but he loved her too much to be angry. She just didn't understand. "Ratchet. Humans... we aren't like you. What you are planning, it won't work."

"Of course it will."

"Ratchet" she was getting quite upset, the machines monitoring her letting out warning beeps. "You don't know what you are doing. It isn't what you think! We.. we just don't work that way."

"Hush." He placed a gentle servo over her, letting his EM field envelop her frantic one. As he had so many times before he focused on the calm inside him, the calm she brought him, and let it flow out through his field into hers. She fought it, as she often did since the accident, but she was so weak now the struggle lasted barely a moment before he field realigned into a quiet calm. "Who is the doctor here?"

"You are." She sounded tired but calm and the warning sounds of the machines went quiet.

"Yes. I am. I know what I am doing. I've done all the research, all the experiments. It will work. You will be safe." He stroked her face again softly as she turned her head to nuzzle against him.

"You aren't going to hook me up to that machine again are you?"

"No. The mind transference is complete. I told you that a couple days ago."

"Sorry, I must have forgotten. Just so tired."

"I know it hurt. I'm sorry but it was necessary to transfer your mind into your new frame. I finished matching your motor control protocols to its cybertronian ones last night. It will move and respond just as your old body did. There will still be an adjustment period but I have done everything possible to minimize it."

"Then that means..."

"The upload to your new frame completed just a couple minutes ago so yes, all that is left is the spark transplant."

She trembled, EM field starting to taint with fear. "Ratchet, I'm scared." She whispered.

"Ratchet sighed optics sad as he pressed again with his field to wipe away the fear. "I know. I understand." It hurt his spark to see her like this.

"Ratchet, what if it kills me? I mean, I still have time left. Things can't go back to how they were before the accident but I still... I still..." She started coughing again, choking on their shared grief.

Ratchet waited until the fit passed before speaking. "Don't you trust me anymore?" He knew it was a cruel question to ask, but no more cruel than her persistent doubts surely.

He instantly regretted the moment of weakness that allowed the question to escape his vocalizer as he saw the pain in her eyes and felt the flash of agony in her field. "Of course I do Ratchet. Its just... just..."

Just what, he wanted to say but there was already too much pain in their mingled fields. He was suffering, exhausted, and under-fueled but she was his sparkmate and it was mutual kindness and patience that kept their bond strong. He couldn't fight with her, not with her like this, not after what happened last time, not after the accident.

"You've been different since the accident Ratchet. Sometimes... Sometimes I worry that, that you aren't quite right in the head." She quavered. He could tell from her expression that she was afraid he would blow up on her, could feel the fear tingling through their fields.

Ratchet relaxed in frame and field and smiled gently, an increase in love pouring out from him that made her eyes widen in surprise. "Is that all? Oh sweetspark you should have told me sooner."

"I... I should have?"

"Yes. I'm cybertronian, our minds are different from yours. I have been monitoring my processor health since the accident. Everything is fine. It was... hard and I do suffer from flashbacks but I am otherwise okay."

"You are sure?" She was scrutinizing him but he could already feel her relaxing even if she didn't quite believe him. That was okay. Once this was over she would see.

"Yes, I am sure. It will all be fine. You'll see." His engine hummed contentedly.

"So then tonight?"

"Yes."

"Can we... can we go look up at the stars one last time?"

Ratchet chuckled shaking his helm a little in exasperation. "We can go stargazing after sweetspark."

So then... you are going to do it now?" Fear flickered though he could tell she was trying to control it.

"Sooner would be better." He admitted.

She took a couple deep breaths calming her heart rate. She looked up at him with frightened eyes that gleamed with desperate hope. She wanted to believe him, he could tell. She looked so vulnerable. The sooner this was over the sooner she could relax. "Please hold me."

Ratchet blinked in surprise. "What?"

"When you put me out, please hold me." His spark softened. Of course, how foolish of him. Carefully he reached out and undid the straps that kept her in the medical bed. They had become necessary when she'd tried to run away near the beginning. Without the use of her legs she had only managed to further injure herself. Being careful of the tubes and wires hooked up to her he lifted her up into his arms. He could feel her relax as she snuggled against him as best she could. He began humming softly, a slow soothing tune they both liked as their overlapping EM fields began to merge. Individual emotions flickered only to be absorbed by the whole, a sort of emotional back and forth without words to get in the way. Soon she was humming along with him, occasionally singing as they worked their way through some of their favorite songs as they worked through their feelings, comforting and drawing strength from one another. Two sparks becoming one.

"Ratchet."

"Yes my love?"

"I want you to promise me something."

"Anything."

"When this is over, no matter what happens, promise me you'll go back to the Autobots. They need you."

"I will love, we both will."

"And don't be mad at them. They might not understand what" a trickle of fear "what you've done. Be patient with them."

"I will. Sweetspark?"

"Yes?"

"I can do anything with your love." He whispered softly. "You know that right?"

"Even if I don't make it?"

His spark clenched in horror at the thought but her love rolled over and through him. It didn't stop the pain but it eased it. "Yes." He whispered spark aching. He wanted to tell her not to talk like that, she was going to be fine, but he knew she needed his honest answer. He felt so raw and exposed but she was there with him, making their joined field thrum with comfort, overwhelming him with her gentle love.

"No matter what happens Ratchet, I will always love you."

"Even"

"Even if I don't make it. Always Ratchet. Always." His frame shuddered with a silent sob as he ran his digits lightly through her hair. She turned her head and pressed a gentle kiss against the center of his sensitive servo. He shivered warmth running up his arm.

"Tease." he half chided. How he wished there could be more their their relationship. Well maybe after. But he would have been happy with how things were before the accident. Even this was a piece of happiness. She was his happiness.

"I'm ready Ratchet." He nodded and checked to make sure all was in order, working with one servo so he wouldn't have to put her down. Part of him didn't want this moment to end. But there was work to be done and a future's worth of beautiful moments to be had.

Everything was ready. He added a general anesthetic to her IV then looked down at her. He would never hold her in his arms like this again. She would never again be this small fragile organic creature. He lifted her up carefully and bent his help down to press his lipplates against her forehead softly. He could feel her EM field starting to blur with the drugs. "Don't worry" He whispered against her hair. "I'll save you."

Ratchet waited until he was certain she was unconscious before placing her on the medical bed again. He did a final check that he had all the tools necessary and that the container that would hold her human spark was prepped and fully functional. It was a wonder of engineering, a masterpiece that would supply her spark with everything it needed to stay strong and healthy. Eight failed models lay discarded in a corner. He had spent precious weeks after his revelation in study and experimentation before his hard work had finally paid off.

The revelation was this, humans had a spark. In a way that was obvious, humans like cybertronians were different from animals or base machines, they possessed that same something that made them people. Cybertronians called that something the individual's spark and it had a very measurable existence. Humans called it a soul. But they also called it a heart. At first he'd thought it coincidence but as he'd studied and reflected it became clear to him. Humans were fleshy things so it was only logical that their spark chamber would be too. A human's spark resided within their heart. But should the heart die the human's soul would return to the Allspark and be lost, just as a cybertronian spark would be should their spark chamber be critically damaged.

Expertly he opened her rib cage exposing her living spark to his bare optics. It pulsed rhythmically and he reached out carefully cutting it free. This was the tricky part. Quickly he hooked it up to wires and tubes from the heart container. It didn't miss a beat throughout the process. Good. Gently he set the pulsing heart inside the container and closed it up. He watched the chamber fill with fluid as he washed the blood off his servos. The operation had been successful.

Installation went smoothly too, the container holding his sparkmate's heart slotting into place inside the modified spark chamber of her new frame. Reverently he locked it in place then closed the sparkchamber and her chestplates. He could hear a hum from inside the cold frame, it had started the moment he'd finished locking hte heart chamber in place. It was the sound of her new frame responding to her spark and coming online for the first time. The optics flickered then glowed a perfect blue and Ratchet let out a sigh of relief. Part of him had been afraid that the frame he'd built would not accept her human spark. Her optics focused on him and confusion clouded her features. "Ratchet?" Her voice. It was her voice, as strong and clear as before the accident.

Ratchet relaxed, spark filled with a happy glow. His love lived. "Yes, its me love." He came closer taking one of her dainty servos in his. He could not help but marvel at the weight and strength of it. This was no weak organic hand to be crushed by an affectionate squeeze. "How... how do you feel?" He asked trying to focus his processor on checking all was well. He began scanning her.

She gave him a puzzled look. "I don't know. How should I feel?" She asked her servo twitching then closing around his. She was holding his hand.

"Well uh... you will probably feel disoriented and a bit on the cold side while your engine warms up but the scan says everything is working properly so you should feel just fine otherwise."

She seemed to consider this for a moment then smiled gently. "Then that is how I feel." She said matter of factly. The response seemed a little odd somehow. She let out a soft chuckle looking down at their entwined servos. "Your hands are smaller than I remember." She stated.

Ratchet chuckled. "Well you _are_ bigger now." She was okay. Everything was okay. He put the scanner down so he could take her servo in both his and press a soft kiss to the back of it.

She giggled. "Always the gentleman." She teased then sat up abruptly and threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "I love you Ratchet."

"I love you too." He whispered and hugged her back, holding her tight as he never would have dared to before. His sparkmate was alive and better than ever. The future was bright.

So why was it he could hear the sound of quiet screaming from somewhere deep within his spark?


	2. Epilogue

"And please make sure all that data is recorded properly."

"Yes my love." Optimus Prime shuddered at that feminine voice, a hollow echo of that of a once dear friend. But the metal specter soon left and Ratchet turned back to him.

"Optimus. You wanted to see me?"

The Prime shifted uncomfortably. Everyone had been happy when Ratchet returned. They needed him and frankly they had missed the grumpy medic. But the thing he'd brought with him... There had been conflict at first as he insisted to everyone that it was his dead sparkmate. Everyone soon backed off though, the loss of a spakmate was traumatic, everyone dealt with it differently. But this had been going on for almost a stellar cycle. The other bots couldn't take it anymore and it had fallen to him to confront Ratchet about... the thing.

"Well Optimus?" The Autobot medic had crossed his arms, digits drumming a staccato beat.

Optimus glanced over at the door the abomination had left through then back to Ratchet. "You know that isn't her right?" He blurted out finally unable to mask the dull horror in his EM field.

Ratchet blinked. "Optimus." He said, drawing out his name as he only did when deeply upset. The Prime knew he was in for it now and prepared himself for the medic's wrath. "Don't... don't you think I know that?" The words barely managed to escape the medic's vocalizer so choked and heavy they were with agony.

Startled Optimus raised his helm to meet the medic's pale blue optics. What he saw there froze his spark. "But Ratchet you... it... and..." His protests died in the face of that agony. "How... how long?" He asked finally. "How long have you known?"

"I don't know, perhaps always? I just... I just... I wanted so much..." Ratchet's vocalizer crackled with a broken sob "for it to... for her to..."

Optimus pulled the smaller bot close as Ratchet broke down into uncontrolled sobbing. He repressed the horror he felt toward the subject of their discussion and filled his EM field with all the calm and comfort he could muster, trying to soothe the medic's shattered field. He'd been prepared for wrath, to fight, not to watch his oldest friend sob himself to pieces in his arms. His frame seemed almost to be literally failing him, plating rattling, seams stretching open as if being pulled apart from within by the force of the sparkbreaking sobs. Optimus patted the medic's back awkwardly. "It will be okay old friend."

This was obviously the wrong thing to say as the medic's grief shattered field coalesced into an incandescent rage. "Okay?" He sputtered. "OKAY?!?" He screamed "It will _NEVER_ be okay!" Ratchet pounded Optimus with his fists, shattering the Prime's windows in an instant and starting to crack the plating beneath. "I killed my own sparkmate!" Optimus felt his spark freeze inside him. He had known something terrible had happened but surely not... not that... "I _killed_ her Optimus! With these hands I killed her!" Ratchet brandished his servos at the Prime, who'd been too numb with shock to notice the medic had ceased striking him.

"Ratchet, I know you, you would never do anything to harm her, to harm anyone. You are blaming yourself for something out of your control." Optimus reasoned desperately, trying to find some sort of calm within himself to share with his friend.

Ratchet sobbed brokenly. "Optimus... You're wrong Optimus. She begged me not to. Begged me Optimus. She _knew_ it wouldn't work and I... I did it anyway." The medic's vocalizer was starting to fail him as he buried his helm in his servos and sobbed.

Optimus could feel his field curdling with horror, his fuel pump stuttering, scarcely able to keep the energon flowing through him. "Ratchet. What did you do?"

"She was so scared Optimus. So so scared. I just wanted to save her. Save her as I had failed to do before. Instead I killed her with these hands. I cut her living heart out Optimus, and... and I put it in that... that _machine_." Ratchet wailed blinded by agony. All the walls in his mind had come down, everything raw and exposed. His helm fell forward clanging on the Prime's plating as his entire frame went limp. "She was hurt so badly Optimus, so badly. I thought she was dead when I found her. The human doctors, they saved her life, but they couldn't fix her. I just wanted to fix her Optimus, to make her whole and well again. She was scared, so scared and so hurt, but at least she was alive. I wish... I wish she had never met me. She'd be happy, living her life out somewhere else with" He choked "Someone else."

"You don't know that."

"But I _do_ know where this path led. Her, dead by my hand."

"The trauma of nearly losing her in the accident damaged your processor. You are not the first to go mad from nearly losing their sparkmate. Ratchet you were not in your right mind, you are"

"Are not to blame? Of course I'm to blame Optimus! I did it. I killed her. No one made me... made me..." He shuddered but his convulsing sobs had stopped at least. "She knew Optimus. She knew I'd lost it. She begged me not to, and I did it anyway."

There was silence for a long while as they just stood there, Ratchet leaning against the larger bot as Optimus held him gently, trying to be as comforting as he could under the circumstances. "Optimus, I understand if you don't want me to stay. I don't think I'd be able to trust someone who'd murdered their own sparkmate." Ratchet spoke in a defeated, hopeless tone, pulling away from the Prime.

"Ratchet I"

"No, please, hear me out. I... before she died, she made me promise to come back here, to help you all and... and if you can find it in your spark to... to let me stay... at least until a suitable replacement can be found, or the war ends, or whatever... I'd... I'd realy appreciate it." The medic was staring down at his servos as if he could still see his sparkmate's blood on them. "I'd like to... if I..." He cleared his vocalizer a couple times clearly trying to fight off another crying fit. "Maybe if I do enough good... spend the rest of my function... she'll... when I return to the Allspark..."

Optimus placed his heavy servos on the medic's shoulders, crouching so his optics were level with those of the smaller bot. "Ratchet I would never dream of sending you away. Even if we did not require your medical expertise you are a dear friend to us all. And _none of us_ will abandon you in this time of need. You are not the first to lose their sparkmate, and so long as sparkbonds continue to be formed you will not be the last. I wish... I wish you had come to me sooner. You never should have had to bear the weight of this alone."

Ratchet's frame trembled but the old bot was too tired to sob. "Optimus... Optimus do you think...?" There was a pathetic desperate hope in those weary optics that made Optimus's spark crumple like the humans' tinfoil.

"She was my friend Ratchet, and I knew her well enough to know that she has forgiven you, if she ever assigned any blame to you at all. All that remains is for you to live in such a way that you may one day forgive yourself so you may join her in the Allspark."

Ratchet's frame relaxed a little and Optimus could see a little of the heavy burden lift off his tired shoulders. The first steps to healing had been taken. "Thank you Optimus. Perhaps... perhaps one day I will be able to believe that as firmly as you do." There was a hint of the old Ratchet in that voice.

Optimus straightened. "Now about that... thing. It must be destroyed." He spoke firmly, knowing it would be hard for the old medic but extremely necessary.

"I know."

"I'll take care of it and"

"No." Ratchet interrupted. "I made this mess, its only right that I put things right... put her" his voice caught briefly, quivering with grief "to rest. Just send her, _it_ in when you leave."

"Very well." Now that Ratchet had faced all he'd kept bottled up inside, now that he was no longer insulated from the truth by madness or denial, there was a very real danger that he might offline himself during the night, a not uncommon occurrence among those who had recently lost a sparkmate. Spontaneously offlining permanently happened as well, the bot's spark losing the will to survive without its other half and simply fading away, but could also usually be avoided by ensuring the grieving bot was never left alone. With the last request she'd made of him though, Ratchet would probably fall into the latter category. "I will send Bumblebee to watch over you this evening."

"Don't bother. I won't do anything stupid." The medic growled. "I just... need some time." Ratchet was nothing if not stubborn. Optimus would just have to stop by later himself to check on him. He could use the damage the medic had inflicted on his chestplating as an excuse.

Optimus paused at the door and looked back at Ratchet. "It's interesting, nearly losing her, you were lost to us all. But in her death she managed to bring you back to us in mind not just in frame. As if part of her spark is still with you, watching over you." Ratchet did not respond, optics fixed on the floor, but then Optimus had not truly expected him to. This was not a hurt that would soon heal. As Optimus left, his own spark heavy with grief, he did not think that the Autobot medic had ever looked so small.


End file.
